Hey There / Private / Season and Aspen

[shadowfire]

Shadowfire ll Make - shift camp

Shadowfire checked his paw slowly, twisting it then wincing in pain. "Im going to get you Eclipseufr." he muttered under his breathe, as he repeated the process over and over again.
He got up, seeing Sparrowflight. He'd talk to her today, he decided.
He got up, walking over with a limp "Sparrowflight...We..uhh... can we talk...?" he asked, letting the question open in the air.
"Because we havent talked in a while." he mumbled then did a mental slap to his head. Idiot! You dont need to provide an explanation!

[Aspyluff]

Sparrowflight looked up from the warm sunny spot were she had been strewn about, basking in the fresh warmness. She look up with a purr. "Oh Shadowfire. Sure. We can talk" She flopped over and briskly licked her shoulder, dirt was all over her and she shook, spreading the little specks everywhere. She let out a sneeze. "whoops, sorry". She smiled shyly.

[shadowfire]

He looked away quickly. "You don't need to apologies." he muttered. "I should be the one."
He flicked his tail. "You want anything to eat?" he asked politely. "Or are you not hungry...?"
He sat down beside her..Err..Kinda beside her. Except he lay a foot away, keeping his distance with shy glances.

[Aspyluff]

She stretched out and yawned. "No thanks." She blinked and stitched her whiskers in amusement. "What is there to apologize about?" She got up and walked towards him, sitting down a tail length away. She looked around and realized they were alone. "is everything ok?"

[shadowfire]

"I." he turned away with a guilty expression. "Im sorry for leaving, Sparrowflight. And not coming back. For letting you think I was killed or hurt. For letting you think the worst for happened. I didnt-" he hesitated. "I know I shouldn't blame other cats. But I feel it's all Harley's fault." he confessed shyly.
"But its my fault too." he muttered, flicking his tail. "So yeah.

[Aspyluff]

Sparrowflight stood there quietly watching him as he spoke, and did not speak for several heart beats after. She nuzzled him. "I forgive you Shadowfire, I don't think that what she did was fair. You were only a kit, no one can justly blame you for being mislead." She smiled softly at him. "You need to take your mind off of it, want to go hunting? I think we will be heading out soon."

[shadowfire]

He looked away, trying to push down the feelings of happiness. She ahd forgiven him! Now if only...if only they could be more then friends. Then his life would be much better. As he heard that it wasnt his fault, he sighed. Feeling it was partially his fault still. And he doubted he be able to get his mind of it. But it wouldn't hurt to try, he guessed.
As he got up, he stretched, unsheathing and sheathing his claws repeatedly. "Hunting wouldn't hurt." he mumbled.

[Aspyluff]

She padded slowly out of camp, she suddenly felt very awkward being so close to Shadowfire. He was so different, her feelings had lulled a lot sense he had disappeared. He was so grown up compared to her, yet so much younger. He already had a litter, and had a mate. He had experienced so much more than she ever could imagine herself, and it made him feel so much different, like a stranger. She smiled "come on... the prey isn't going to wait forever."

[shadowfire]

His eyes flickered to her. "I." he looked away. "Am I stil friends with you, Sparrowflight? Because it...it feels like...like were strangers." he whispered, loud enough for her to hear.
"I feel like a stranger to everyone. The clans have formed together and I cannot get over this,...change." he started, looking away. "Maybe it's best if I go. I've only caused the cats I care about to hurt, anyway. So why stay and take food?" he questioned. But he really wasnt looking for an answer.
It was too hard on him. He could feel his grasp on reality slipping from him. And he couldnt deal with this stress. He felt like a stranger, it was true. He felt unwanted. A presence loathed. But he knew better to think like that. But still.
And the thing that hurt him the most....He closed his eyes and took a few deep breathes. The thing that hurt him most. Was Sparrowflight. All those days. He hadnt thought of her. But he could feel her in the back of his mind. She was like a tick in his fur. Except she didnt bite....
His feelings were so confusing now a days...

[Aspyluff]

"I don't want you to leave, that wouldn't fix anything. I still think we are friends, I just don't know who you are anymore. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. It just means I need to find out who you grew up to be." She shuffled her paws and looked him over hoping that he would perk up. "Please, I'm sure you will do more help than if you were to leave. You will catch more than you eat, I'm sure. Besides, we will need all the cats we can get when we travel. Who knows whats out there." She purred to try and make him feel more comfortable.

[shadowfire]

He hesitated. "Sparrowflight. You dont want to know what I grew up to be." he looked away, shame in his eyes. "Harley-Harley raised me as if I was her own child. She...." he looked up for a split second, willing her to understand. "If-if you had seen me. I was a monster...A-" his voice began to rise. "MONSTER. A MONSTER SPARROWFLIGHT. YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW ME." he realized his claws were out and he dug into the dry earth, making small holes where his claws had just been. "You dont know me, Sparrowflight. And I'm glad you dont know me. Because if you did-you'd be scared-scared to death. And then. then you'd leave me." he whispered then. "And you know what then Sparrowfeather? Id be broken. Broken. Because you'd leave me." he snorted and looked up at her bewild expression. "The truth is Sparrowfeather. The truth is I care for you-" is voice faltered. "Im not sure but I think I love you." he murmured. "You dont want me though. I can tell. Your better off ignoring me the rest of your life. A-and being mates with Wolfstep." he said bitterly.

[Aspyluff]

Saprrowflight felt a mixture of emotions rise up in her chest. She had a hard time with being yelled at. Her whole being came to life at his speech. So many feelings, they rushed over and threatened to break over her mental barrier, the one she worked so hard to create day in and day out to protect her self. Her claws dug in and just as she though she was able to hold it back the mention of wolfstep made the emotions break through. "MAYBE I DO WANT TO KNOW YOU! Maybe you shouldn't tell me who I am when you don't know ME! I am willing to work with you, to be friends." She took in a deep breath. "I've seen a lot Shadowfire, I have. I'm not scared of you and I know you can change." Her fur fluffed up. Her thoughts were so scrambled. Maybe she was being a little harsh, maybe a little tempered, but it was the first emotion to hit and it hit hard. She rarely got angry. This was defiantly an exception. "I don't know Shadowfire, I haven't seen you in so long, I had even thought you were dead.... how am I supposed to return your feelings?" Her anger rose again. "AND LEAVE WOLFSTEP OUT OF THIS!" She spat, " I think i know whats best for me!" Sparrowflight's body shook and sadness washed over her. She held back the bitter tears. "We could be close you know. i always saw you as one of my best friends. I feel betrayed, like you have given up on our relationship." She stared to head away, completely forgetting about their hunting trip.

[shadowfire]

He felt tears pull at the back of his eyes and he struggled not to fall apart again. Taking in her emotions, as if hungry for them. Hungry to be this close to her. Hungry to smell her sweet scent and hear her beautiful voice.
Was she right? Was she? Would she do that, exactly? Or would she do something else? He couldnt think straight. Images and thoughts swirled around in his head in till the world became blurry and he struggled to hang on to reality. Was she right...?
Reality suddenly set in. She was right. He had no idea what exactly she would do. But she didnt know him anymore. She had no idea. He couldnt change, he felt it inside of him. He would always have to chain that monster in him. Keep him locked up. And pray to Starclan he would never be set loose.
"Stop." he said softly.
He kept his feelings in check, and this was the first time he actually felt at ease with a cat. Because he now knew what she felt.
"Maybe Im wrong. Maybe you wouldnt leave me. Maybe you do want to know. Your right. I shouldn't tell you that. Maybe you should ask to know. And when you finally do know me, you wont run away. Maybe you are right." He hesitated. "You want to know what I thought, Sparrowflight, when we had wondered off as kits into the Marsh? I thought I had killed your father. Killed. I thought I was the reason life had bled out of him oh so fast. I watched your father die, Sparrowflight. Painfully, and slowly. I watched him in till he closed his eyes. But guess what? I had been foolish at the time. Foolish. I didnt know he had extra lives-" his voice faltered. "I thought he only had 1." he said, keeping his soft voice in check. "I thought he would never open his eyes again. And I blamed everything on me. Sparrowflight, I went through my whole life as a rogue, thinking I had killed your father. Killed him. And through out that, I couldn't help but wonder what you would think. I even wonder if you would avenge his death and kill me. But that isnt the worst part. It isnt. When I left-Harley manipulated me. She was the mother I never had. She made me who I was in that barren forest, now. She taught me horrible things-" he hesitated. "Im not sure you want to know. But I'll tell you any way. She-she made me mutilate pour prey. I even mutilated a cat. I killed plenty of cats too, while you were training to be a warrior-I was killing. I killed clan cats-" his voice broke at that second but he quickly recovered. "I killed cats. Murdered them cold, blood. Mutilated prey and even a cat. Im sorry, Sparrowflight. I really am. And I dont expect you to Love me back. Who could love me any ways? I dont deserve you, or anyone. ANd Im sorry. For bringing Wolfstep up. I dont want to be your best friend Sparrowflight. I want you. I gave up on our friend ship a long time ago, Sparrowflight. The exact moment when I saw your father bleed to death. But maybe. Just maybe you can forgive me for everything Ive done and said. For the murder I've committed. Perhaps you should even tell the leaders. I bet some of them might get a kick out of my death."
He stopped, and a pregnant pause followed. "I always dreamed of being with you, Sparrowflight. That, I had never left. Never had. And I had grown up to be leader. And I would had chosen you as deputy. And we would have had the most beautiful kittens-" his voice broke again, but this time all his emotions piled into his voice. "I know this will never happen, Sparrowflight. Because no one could ever love me. Because, you know what I discovered? You have to learn to love yourself before you could ever be with the one you care for."

[Aspyluff]

Sparrowflight stopped as he asked her too but did not turn around. As the dark tom spoke, he spoke to her backside. She swished her tail through the dirt as she thought. She held the tears that were building in her eyes back, tasting the bitter tang of them in her mouth from the ones that had already fell. She slowly turned and looked him in the eyes. "You didn't kill Finchstar. He lost his life on his own accord. It wasn't you who bit his throat, or made him run in and save us. I would never blame you." She worked her paws into the dirt. She didn't know what to say about them murders. Her pelt prickled and she felt detached from it, like she couldn't let her self believe that such a sweet cat could do such thing. But she didn't let that show on her face. She looked away. "I can't tell you that I love you, I'm sorry Shadowfire, I just can't lie to you." She came closer. "But there will always be room in my heart for you. As a friend."

[shadowfire]

His eyes showed hurt and he looked away. "but you said you couldn't love me because you didn't know me. Why can't you love me? Why can't we be more then friends? Why can't we let our feelings go to work and go from there? Why can't you give me a chance, Sparrowflight." he ignored what she said about it not being his fault. And he noticed how she didn't say anything about his horrid killing spree. Probably out of disgust. "Give me a chance, Sparrowflight. One chance. I promise you won't regret it. I promise. Just one chance. One. To show you we could be together. That you could love me. One chance. And then you can do what you want. Be with whoever you want. Be with Wolfstep or some other better Tom. But, I'm just asking for one single chance. To show you...to show you: you could be happy with me. We could have a family." he murmured. "just one. I'm begging you."